SMS Highlight Reel, vol. 15

I feel whiny, approaching bitchy.

pumped up and excited.
pumped up and excited.

Bay leaves? Peppercorns? Sweet Spanish paprika? Cayenne? Sea salt?

Well, last night was bunches of fun. It could have taken a turn for the worse if it weren't for the fact that you hit like a little girl. Wuss.

Def stage 3. Look at the eyes.

o darling please believe me. ill never let you down. belevie me when i tell you. oooo. ill never do you no harm. o' darling...

Inglewood. Right next to the chicken rendering plant

K. I'm getting drunk tonight. Waaaa-oooo!

Holy fuck the internet is slow today.

prrrrrrr---ooooooo. (pigeon noise). yay,

i am drinking vodka and ur ass is amazing

i found a new place called hot bagels! [friend] refers to it as the 24-hour ho-bag

That was torture. This is dignity.

I know it's short notice but there's an effing dachshund festival at Washington Square Park. Just try to imagine a billion stubbly legs. Starts at noon.

Indeed ma dear! i have a new man ive been ahem uh fucking. want to meet sometime sunday or something? let me know what works 4 u... im in the city everyday

So I'm retarded and I read The Game last night (in a sitting) and 2 things: 1) that guy [name] from Trinity was gunning for you by the numbers; and 2) be warned, you can never make eye contact with me again.

I just at cheese so spicy my face is sweating.

Put that in your yes-man pipe and smoke it.

You should be on tv.

SMS Highlight Reel, vol. 14: Karl Lagerfeld edition

"With [friend] eating bagels next to Karl Lagerfeld. My drunk ass told him he was my namesake. He didn't believe me."

I asked my friend
a) what Karl Lagerfeld said in response
b) whether he had his bitchbeating fan with him
c) whether he was actually, really eating a bagel.


a) "Scoffed dismissingly, saying (under his breath) "oh I'm sure of that."

"Really?? Is that true? I need to know, for blogging purposes."

"Of course it's true but you can't report what he said without including the fact of my name, which I fiercely prohibit. Report your own celebrity sightings."

b) (He did not.)
c) (He was eating whitefish lox, by itself.)

SMS Highlight Reel, vol. 13

you are going to rock this bitch of a day.

Sorry. I was cooking dinner and playing Leonard Cohen's "So Long Marianne" full blast on repeat. I suck.

this oprah shit is crazy. they are just one big crazy pie. this cant even be real. it is too fucking funny. and crazy...

I've had my picture in the Times, but to be deemed blog-worthy by you? Well, now i've arrived.

Holy christ... That is my analysts' building!

Fool. Correct me if i'm wrong, but is it narcissism that makes you think he'll look at it? Though i did talk it up. Hmmm, your Fucked.

So I just put my dick in her a little bit.

I didn't know it was possible to have a shame-over while still drunk; OR: disregard last text.

Cool beans. Have fun and I'll give you shit about your hangover in the morning. [wink]

text messaging with a keyboard is like butta

by the way all the people in the cracker barrell were way too damned friendly. almost cultish. cracker barrell cult!

If you don't absolutely LOVE New York on a day like this, then i'm afraid you can't love at all. Am I right or am I right?

Wondering if that will make the sms highlights reel... :)

SMS highlight reel, vol. 12: MMS

this week im going to get laid damn it!

Have they begun the running of the colonial jew?

You are hotlarious


Degrading the object it order not to love it'... So that one can desire without guilt.

Holy shit!!! The chick at the bar wearing blue is totally Teresa or Tracy or Stacy, [friend]'s neighbor who threw the coke party at Hotel Rivington.

Depends. i have to find a sugar daddy... i got robbed last week and im waiting for my check to come... aye the drama!

I will begin fantasizing now.

Good question: what is going on, darling? Many options for tonight - too many to list here. Choose desired borough, time, excitement level, and let me know.

Hate myself too. Alot. Distrust her cause she loves me and i dont. The drinking keeps me in flux...and provides the ill times high &lows.

Glad you survived the mauling.

Saturday for sure. I don't know where just yet. I'm on the news for being rad... or for being a doggy pimp. For being a rad doggy pimp.

SMS highlight reel, vol. 11

Scale of 1 to 28... how are you?

Queen queen LAURIER MACDONALD Queen

Yeah, so two rats are having sexy time on the tracks in front of me. Assholes.

Where you at woman? I'm in Lower Manhattan and so drunk I can't see.

What was the official Canadian junk food you and Grace got close to my hood? Something like gravy fries? Anyhow where'd you get it?

Frank sinatra is playing

Its hard lady, but its just love- you can do it!

I will, as soon as i finish stuffing my face.

Fuck I Miss You Tonight. Im So Sick Of This Sausage Party!

Glad you survived the mauling.

If you're trying to have a full-on conversation dear, you have my address. I'm feeling like white wine, and... dress sexy. Bisous!

SMS highlight reel, vol. 10: Oscar Edition

"This shit is gay."

SMS highlight reel, vol. 9

Hey do you think that guy I like is gay or no?

It's not too exciting. Just me and my chicken sandwich.

What the eff?! Im drunk and wanna talk!

I found something that will make you laugh and scream and cringe all at once.

Where are you living out your present confusion?

oh please come! Didnt you already write that paper? Come! I am baking!

Just so you know you're still looking like a big ol WHORE!

football super game bowl at toms tonight. Bring snacks & drinks & violent enthusiasm.

Nope! you know i dont do haters of the vag and neither do you! i mean that in any way you may interpret it. ok so lets shoot for friday- any preferences?

Which activity is it possible to fail more profoundly: cooking or life?

Since I rarely pass up (a longshot at) romance, I propose you bring wine, I make dinner. I promise nothing else, but dress sexy.

Im so excited that i made the reel. I think this is my first appearance.

SMS highlight reel, vol. 8

Meet me at my café in EXACTLY 20 seconds.

Haha! Theres a vagina-dentata movie out. Reminded me of your blog.

Oh lady, i dont know what id do without you. Xoxo

Sorry I missed you tonight. Way to stick the knife into what’s-her-name at the talk btw. See ya around.

RIP Heath Ledger. Per New York Times. [sent at an impressive 5:04 pm]

Haha- i dare you to touch his phallus.

I am eating the biggest brownie w ice cream ever!

I an em

Lets do it. ill call [redacted] and its on. I mean shes not single but shes still a whore ya know? hehe. we will do it up!

last night slayed me. Best ever.

Way to go, lady! Keep up the good, self-preserving and self-validating work. !

Surely it is no longer tenable to consider class divisions spiritually hierarchical if idleness is no longer cultivated as an artform.

And you’ve looked bangin the whole time, what a waste. My condolences.

SMS highlight reel, vol. 7

[____] just put an E in his butt.

Mkay maybe we can go get a drink or four. i miss you terribly ma dear. coffee cigs and sex gossip is lagging in my life since our separation.

The english language is a bit like an autopsy on a tranny crack whore; I just manipulate the sample.

Tu es Aimee!

I'm thinkin of tryin this drinkin fad. And you?

I'm so effing glad to be a high functioning depressed person.

Mr. Noodle and a grapefruit.

Allah?

So i passed out on the train and got saved by an evangelical christian- how appropriate is that? amen.

Calculus. Pilates. Eating. Darwinism and emergent complexity. Lookin for a job. Welding. Not fucking. That's about it.

Ugh dont know if ill make it up to study tmrw, just gettin home now. ill cak u when im up [4:45 am]

SMS highlight reel, vol. 6: Phone.. Sex.

So yeah... I've been drinking. So what? You coming out or what? You should. I'll be sure you have fun. Text back with a decision (the right one).

I don't know which one of you smacked me in the ass. I'm just glad it wasn't Chris.

Do you have any desire to go to a swingers club?

I fucking miss you.

I wanna smoke cigarettes (of my own) with you and walk you to the subway. Wink once if you assent.

You know I like it rough.

Marianne i am a whore. bangover. slept w another stranger. way to go!

Let's get married.

.

SMS highlight reel, vol. 5

Day 1 in the West Village: just saw Macaulay Culkin AGAIN!

Are you in Jay's Critique of Judgment class tonight? If not, wanna [insert fun thing to do here]?

Ma pa howard judith me around the chimnea listening to "i fought the law". And of course we all know what happened next.

I need a fucking drink.

Currently rubbing copy of your syllabus on nipples: I've traced the phrase "the debt the latter owe to woman" in hot candle wax.

Hey lady: dont ever forget: we live in nyc! eeee! i just remembered

SMS highlight reel, vol. 3

I'm wondering if the recent resignation of Alberto Gonzales was 'politically motivated.'

Girl/boyfriend status has been attained.

Hey professor ive got something for you

I've decided to buy two different colors of the o.g. Jordans and rock ona each same time. I'm so high i can't breathe. That's black nationalism.

I'm looking at Proust but I'm thinking cheese burger.

It must have been your reaction at contracting AIDS from Chris.

[huge fuckin sigh] ok.

Hey. I walked by you on 5th Ave a couple hours ago.

Is it not true that mayonnaise sauces made by women having their period fails.

fuck. Im on first class all the way to spain. Booze and strippers.

I'd love to but can't today. If You're looking for something to do, I hear the cake man is throwing a block party all day.

I miss you! youll never believe what happened to me at the airport yesterday. lets just say my vibrator almost didnt make it past the random security check

Just read yr blog!!! Wtf?!?!

SMS highlight reel, vol. 2

Whoa, wait a minute. What is becoming of that pie?

This place is the bomb bomb bomb Holy shitness

Yo, that sucks. Btw, G train is running screwy

I just got out of jail.

Ew. I think I just finished my Gadamer paper...

Oddly mesmerizing, sleep inducing

Omg im drunk in long island.

Wanna do easter?!

Well, it's a very hip hipster queer bar in wilsbrg.

Drop that deuce yet?!

Hey babe. Drunk. Miss u. How u doin? Prob asleep.

I don't have any memory of like the last hour of the party AND i threw up IN BED (also dont remember that).

Shit girl lets ride.

Look left

I think i'm straight-up gay. Blink 3 times if you can hear me.

Give me 5 mins to finish this cereal

SMS highlight reel

"Do you have valentine's day in canada?"
"North side of the street, closer to 6th than 7th"
"Pouting verboten"
"You're my favourite Edmontonian."
"The 28th. Damn!"
"Yea that's my fault I guess. Are you having a good time?"
"God Bless America"
"Hey, sorry I missed your call yesterday. Pork WHAT?"
"Of course. It's very abstract"
"Writing is not happening."
"Have major debriefing to do with you!"
"Marginally"
"I did have fun. Thanks for throwing that shindig. Now, what is it you want to know?"
"Done. FUCK people there suck. Where u @?"
"Were in the corner. enter and turn left and left again"
"Lol. Actually, imma gonna make it riiiight now."
"At the Rockerfeller Centre. I'll be at Will Call, picking up the tickets"
"Hey I heard a nasty rumour there is something going on @ your place tonight. Care to comment?"
"Macy's. woot!"
"Haha I remember now hearing last night how your car got stolen and thinking that was no excuse for not coming out."
"YES! HURRY!"
"OMFG. How long does this Kierkegor paper have to be again?"
"That's perfect. [Redacted] has analysis until 1. Then we can all do lunch."
"107 row 6"
"On our way to the housewarming in a car service, as soon as we can get one"
"Same. WTF?"
"wrong girl!"
"Yeah i need a shower anyway"