Snippets

Me [having just grabbed a 6-pack from the cooler]: "Could you exchange two of these for the ones you have on ice? They're not very cold."
Random customer: "Exchange em all! Exchange em all."
Me: "Well, I'm not going to drink them all right now."
Random customer: "Imma drink em with you. Imma get two more six-packs and meet you outside."

Woman in elevator with me, to man in elevator with me: "I was hoping to catch up with you! I want to yell at you."
Man: "Oh?"
Woman: "I saw you walk across 15th street on your cell phone without even looking! There was a cab coming, you know. You're lucky you didn't get hit!"
Man: "S'alright."
Woman: "No it's not alright! You have to be more careful."
Man: "S'alright."
Woman: "Tsk. You're too young!"
Man: "My sister gave her life for this country, so if I go... I don't mind."
Woman: "You have to be more careful."
Man: [getting off elevator] "You take care, ma'am."
Woman: "No, you take care! Hahaha."

Me: "Could I get a chicken kabob?"
Vendor: "You want it on a pita?"
Me: "Yes, please."
Vendor: "You want onions? tomatoes? lettuce?"
Me: "All of that. And do you have, like, white sauce?"
Vendor: "I don't have like white sauce, I have white sauce."
Me: "Uh, heh, okay then. Could I have some?"
Vendor: "Those other guys, who have white sauce in a bottle like this? [grabs squeeze bottle of hot sauce]. That's just mayonnaise."
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Vendor: "They don't have real white sauce. They don't know how to make it. They're not Greek like me. See? Look at this [opens metal cover]."
Me: "That looks great. Lots of cucumber."

The World Series

When we arrived at Eric's to watch the game (actually to eat nachos and watch youtube videos and giggle), there were several fire trucks - and news trucks - outside the building across from his on 104th street. Later, during the game, we googled what had happened, and found out that a woman had died in a fire on the third floor. And hours later when we left, and walked back down 104th street towards the 1 train, at that very moment the M.E. wheeled the body bag out on a stretcher right in front of us, opened the back of the M.E. van, and loaded it in. Lemme tell you, the M.E.'s van is no hearse, and it's no ambulence - the body goes on a shelf beneath a bunch of chemicals and next to a bunch of instruments.

SMS Highlight Reel, vol. 25: Dating

On my way to my dinner date and i feel like fucking puking

I told my friend at suny that im going to spep for sex and he said all the conferences are unhandsome sausage fests!

secretly, I want to sing to you and make you cry

Apparently they are clueless! One does not wear a skin tight dress or pass out in a guys bed for naught

just went on the WORST 45 min date. mf tried 2 kiss me 4 times! he wasn't ugly but c'mon. i don't know if i can stomach anymore serial dating*

Well, me too. Dinner was delicious, and, well, I really like being around you.

Yes. Dress sexy. If it changes anything I'm high too.

I asked my ethics class. They say tell the truth. I say make excuses why u can't hang until he gets the hint

Somehow, the filthy things you say make you a big sweetheart

I'll wear the shoes

Nothing should be more important to you than last minute movie plans initiated by me.

I was put into a position. didn't want to seem like leaving WITH you. I'll call if your still up

He just ate my fucking face in a cab*

Oh nothing. Just what's a guy like me without false pretenses?

donde? una bebida?

I've been enjoying this long courtship.

Go to dinner with me tomorrow night.

home now whenever you're ready to roll up. proseco waiting if so desired

Come. Just a plain ticket. You have no reason to be devastated. You're amazing. I'm a boy who knows it. Just come.

Glad you made me stay, but I wish you were here.

Say no more. I LIVE for words like those! Besides, midnight rendez(s)-vous with hot ladies is kinda my thing.

I want you to be my date tonight. You won't regret it.

exactly. well it just says, "I love you"

*This must be stopped.

Netflix

Continuing with the theme of having everything delivered to your door, another New York must-have is NetFlix. For you Canadians, NetFlix is a movie rental delivery service. Depending on your subsription level, you can have one, two, or five movies delivered to your mailbox at a time, an unlimited number of times per month. They come with postage paid return envelopes. You rate movies and it recommends others you might like. I'm basically using it as a romantic comedy generator. It is SO great.

Brooklyn Psychosis

is the name of your next band.

No, listen. On the corner of Nevins and Schemerhorn in Brooklyn, there is a boarded up empty lot. Someone with a jiffy marker (no, three jiffy markers: one blue and one black and one red) is slowly filling up that blank plywood with a perfect illustration of psychosis. Words. Numbers. Places. Names of organizations. Simple equations. Ten equals eight. No, ten equals ten. Fischer (with a "c"). The telephone number for the New York Times. Canada. North Korea. Albany. 489841. 3 stars athens. The book of Corinthians. The book of genesis. UBS Fian Service. 8897889. 89996. Sex. 986659. Michelle Jackson. Toys - food - sneakers. Do not move. Wrong way. We want in.

Saturday night in NYC

Going out on a Saturday night feels like punishment - surrounded by NYU students, the bridge and tunnel crew, fratboy traders and other nine-to-fivers, bad dates, etc. Who wants to share the bar/restaurant/sidewalk with that? Plus, the subway only runs once an hour (and it's skipping your stop).

On the other hand, staying in on a Saturday night feels like punishment. Like you're the last human on earth without friends, like you're under house arrest, like you're fifteen and grounded. Four hours of watching bad tv and reading failblog (cuz god knows you're not going to get any work done - it's Saturday, ffs!).

The only solution is to go to someone else's house and drink their booze and eat their food. And perhaps settle the Kant vs. Hegel debate with finger puppets.

Why is there a tupperware container full of homemade meatballs on 13th street?

You mean you don't know?